From May of 2021 to the end of August I found myself on a downward spiral. I got sick in May and the virus triggered a massive flair-up of my M.S. Having been diligent with my meditation and health practices, I hadn’t had a flair-up in years. It had been so long in fact, that I was beginning to think I had actually healed the myelin damage on my brain and spinal column. Then the virus triggered one of the worse flair-ups I had ever experienced. My trigeminal nerve was sending searing pain into the side of my face and head for weeks, and I lost feeling in my right arm and hand. This lasted for over a month and with it the joyful bubble, I had spend months creating for myself, slowly deflated. I’ll write about my journey creating a joyful reality in anther post.
After the flair-up finally left, I found it difficult to, once again, get to that place of joy. Day after day I was waking up feeling sad and unsatisfied for no reason at all. I had learned from Dr. Sue Morter, while taking classes to become a certified Energy Codes coach, that what I was going through can be called a contraction. As you progress toward becoming your best you, your life will go through a series of ups and downs (or expansions and contractions) that serve to propel you forward in the direction of your goals. The question then was, how did this low point serve me? What am I supposed to learn from this nearly 3 month ordeal, so I can begin back on the path toward joy again? I asked this out loud, before I fell asleep, a few nights in a row. Then, only days later, I got my answer.
I went upstairs to meditate in the morning, as I usually do, when suddenly I found myself remembering a time when I was 4 or 5. The strange thing about this incident is that I don’t recall the point when the memory came to me. I simply recall standing in my bedroom… in the middle of the thought. It was as if I blacked out and woke moments later. I didn’t even recall entering the bedroom. Just being there in mid-thought.
In this memory I was at the zoo with my family. I was walking next to my mother. There was a family in front of us. They stepped off to the side to view one of the animals and we passed them by. One of the children didn’t notice that the rest of the family had stopped and he continued walking; distracted in thought, as children tend to be. He didn’t make it far before noticing he was alone and turning around to find where the rest of his family had gone. He quickly found them and ran around us to meet up with them, once again.
What stands out about the memory for me is the fact that, in the brief moment, I read the fear and confusion written on his face; exhibited in his frantic mannerisms and darting eyes. That moment struck me so deeply as a small child. In fact, that moment effected me for a couple of years afterward. For some reason, as a child, I felt such deep pain in my body seeing that other child feeling those seconds of distress, and every time I thought about that memory it effected me physically. I felt pain in my chest that I remember also feeling a bit like nausea. The boy was fine, found his family, no big deal, but for some odd reason, as a child, I could not shake the sadness I felt. As an adult I see it as being a child who had little experience with her own deep emotions. I was naïve to such sadness.
The Challenge of Expression when Words are lacking…
That moment effected me so much that I remember attempting to find relief by telling my mother about it. Where else would a child go to sooth her pain? It was months later, and I was standing in the kitchen of our new house. I tried to tell her that it made me sad to think about that memory, but I was so young. I didn’t have the words. I remember my mom not understanding me and young-me even attempting to change how I was communicating my issue, right in the middle of explaining it. Even at that young age I had learned to read my parents and was attempting to “do it the right way”. I remember it failing and giving up on trying to tell her. It wasn’t her fault. She didn’t understand the operating system I was coming from. But now the memory strikes me in a much different way.
I know, as an adult, that the reason I was so saddened by that moment in my memory was because I was still so young and pure of heart. I still had that direct connection to source and pure love and I couldn’t handle seeing someone in distress, even as simple and brief as the look on that little boys face. Why did he have to be so saddened? Why did sadness exist? I simply didn’t understand it. I was too young. And sadness was so painful!
So, what happened? I eventually lost that connection to source and pure love. Why? This is the question that changed my perspective. I lost that connection when I continued on my journey, in this 3D reality with all of it’s 3D, human constructs. The same issues and situations we all deal with as we grow. Other children who were mean. The desire to please adults, especially one’s parents. Dealing with adults when they’re scary like when you get in trouble with a teacher in school. The principal of my elementary school was an angry shouter when you misbehaved. Conduct that isn’t usually used now, as we have a better understanding of child psychology. The bus driver scared the wits out of me, my neighbors dog was scary. All of these experiences create a hard shell for us as children. We learn how to make the adults happy and how to be mean as a defense against the other children. There was simply no room for love and sympathy toward other kids (or anyone else, for that matter), anymore. It was a weakness. That pure innocence was stripped away and replaced with fear; the ultimate protector.
That direct line to source and pure love and innocence was severed as I spent more and more time learning this human construct system so I could safely navigate it. I realized, that morning the memory surfaced, that I’ve been navigating the human construct ever since. What happened in that memory was the beginning of a long set of circumstances that were the root cause of my depression. The stripping away of the innocence and the molding myself to the system, pulling me further and further away from source.
I wish someone had shown me how to handle my sadness and how to take that pure love and innocence and put it to good use. I wish someone had shown me how that pure love was a gift and how to use it in a productive way. Most of all, I wish someone had shown me how not to lose it!
I was taken back to this memory for a reason. I asked.
I wanted to know why I was feeling depressed and sad when there was nothing to be sad over. This was my answer. Going all the way back to my childhood, when I learned about the alternate reality of human construct. There was too much to do, fix and be in order to fit in and survive, that I lost my direct connection source. So that’s what I need to do, then. This is how my mind works. I need to somehow get back to that place of purity. I need to notice my thoughts and my emotions. I need to get into the heart and cultivate that perfect love; that direct connection to source. I need to let go, to see the H.C. (human construct). This is where I start. That memory is a gift.
I sat with my childhood self during meditation and I told her everything that I wished someone had told me…
That pure-hearted, little girl! I cried during my meditation that day as I thought of her. So sad and so confused by her emotions and the heaviness of this new reality. Then I thought, I can be the one to show her how to handle that sadness. I can show her how to cultivate all the love she feels for others and put it to good use. I can tell her that she doesn’t have to be saddened by mean children or scary adults, so she can live in joy with clarity as an observer. She doesn’t need to feel like she’s less than because she doesn’t understand other people and lives from a different place of existence. Just observe it all! She is perfect the way she is and therefore I am perfect the way I am. I don’t need to be anything other than me. Observe. You don’t need to understand “why?” all the time. Just be you. You are perfect, little girl! So, I sat with my childhood self during my meditation and I told her everything that I wished someone had told me. This was my way of making up for it. This was my way of setting myself free.
What happened that day stuck with me.
I asked for something specific and days later I got my answer. I needed to get back to the root of where my whole identity came from. After all, your identity is H.C. All the labels we use to describe ourselves aren’t even real, we just attached ourselves to them and hold on so tightly. The idea of not knowing who we are, being nothing, is so frightening to us. But I want to live from the place that little girl lived from. That purest place of love and innocence. That closest link to source. If it means I can live each day from a place of happiness then I’m okay with becoming nothing. Forget the construct and all the learned behaviors. I want peace and joy again!
Here’s to a new journey and the death of an old ego!
***I am not a professional and what I am sharing should not be taken as medical advice. I am sharing my own personal experiences.
Esoteric Hub - Tiffany Frikken 
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